a letter to you..


dear you,

this should have come earlier.. only i din know how to go about it. even till now.. it seems a little too vague and nebulous. my thoughts are in disarray.. but nonetheless, it's not an excuse not to attempt at explaining.
i don't know what made you think the way you are thinking.. or what made you said those things you said.. but truth is.. it hurts me as much as it does to you. the tone and attitude of the very first question you posed was too disturbing and i feel, an insult to my character. yes.. you may feel used. but how about me? it takes two to clap.. so both of us are at fault. you knew i said it was impossible.. so perhaps you should have stopped to think that i wasnt in my right state of mind? no.. i'm not trying to push all blame to you. cos like i said both of us are at fault. i took a one week timeout to think about it.. but.. sorry it seemed like i just threw you overboard without a life buoy. my life is far beyond complicated.. so if you think you understand everything.. sorry. no you havent the slightest idea. perhaps all the hints i dropped werent too apparent for you and my drowning pleas were mis-interpreted as waves of welcome. for that i'm sorry once again.
this journey has gone from complex to beyond recognition. i need more time.. it's not your fault. it's just that i still have difficulty reconciling with myself. certain things you think you are aware of.. are nothing but a facade.. my mastery of illusions. you might realise it's only the happy and funny things we talk about.. i know you'd say, 'let me in!' but i'm afraid no candle at this moment can help light this desolated house filled with trunks of secrets. i'm grateful enough for the occasional visits to this building.. eyed upon with curiousity. for now.. only the gardens are open to visitors. for that.. i'm sorry yet again.
my only wish.. right from the very beginning is for us to be good companions.. in which i can laugh and forget my life away for the moment with you. because i know you care. i also know this is perhaps too much to ask for with no strings attached. so i can only pray.. for you to one day accept and understand. and in any case.. for you to know that time and again.. i did try. to invite you in.. but it wasnt fair to you.. or my heart. cos behind every smile i give to you.. at the end of the day.. i slip back into oblivion. sorry.

the neurotic
me.