"we are not the same persons this year as last. nor are those we love. it is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love the changed person."

..::.w. somerset maugham.::..

I'm not scared to tell the truth
I've been to hell and back and I went with you
Remind me what we were before
When we said, "You are mine and I am yours"

I don't know much but I know myself
And I don't wanna love anybody else
So let's break the spell and lift the curse
Remember where we fell for each other, head first

Look at this heart-shaped wreckage
What have we done?
We have got scars from battles
Nobody won

We can start over, better
Both of us know
If we just let the broken pieces
Let the broken pieces go

I can't find you in the dark
Will we get back to who we are?
And I can't fix this on my own
Our love is still the best thing I've ever known

Look at this heart-shaped wreckage
What have we done?
We have got scars from battles
Nobody won

We can start over, better
Both of us know
If we just let the broken pieces
Let the broken pieces go

Let the broken pieces go
Just hold on to each other tonight

..::.smash.::..

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

..::.christina perri.::..

it's back.

right on schedule. 36 hours and counting..

the blades whirl.
and plastics creak.
my tears sting,
yet i remain unhinged.
the battery light.
and streets still lit.
my lungs heave,
yet i remain unhinged.
refracted tint.
and lingering chills.
my words lost,
i haven't moved an inch.
bless me now.
these prayers sing.
forgive me please,
i've forever sinned.

who is there to look after you?

who wipes your tears?
who feels when your heart wrench?
who plays the songs that blow the lights out?
who says the words that pierce reality?
who writes the pain etched in the atrium?
who sits at night when all is still?
who smiles away the difficult questions?
who goes through life alongside fear?

who is there to look after you?

me.
i look after me.

i can't bear to close the page just in case tomorrow ends up bursting my bubble again.

(blip blip blip)

double whammy.

i overestimated your integrity and gave you too much leeway on the high road. too much. you have proven my utter failure in thinking you were decent and that you were worth my efforts. no more. no more.

--------------------------------blip---------------------------------------

how is it possible that shambles could crumble any further?

getting backstabbed is much easier than defending yourself in front of storybook villains.

maybe with a little help, we can all get over it. but sometimes, we hold on to it, so tight, so dear, so unwilling, that we forget why we were grasping at thin straws in the first place. we take a deep breath, and you know one sigh isn't just going to cut it. we take a few more, and realise, it's no use. did you make a difference? did you evoke change? we sit in the emptiness of shadows, stillness surrounds, with the hollowness and echoes of the half empty wine. we fear. we fear the "what ifs" and the "what nots". we fear, we take the challenge, and miss out with other challenges ahead. and yet, we fear if this is but the one and last challenge we'll ever encounter. but with the clink of glasses, and chatter of those at the dinner table, we know. we know that, with a little help, we can get over it all. it's just the when, the where, and the how. and the final sum of it all, is if we ever want to let go, in the first place.

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this 'complex' by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.

dear d. remember, hope.

addison: i put you in a tiny box. i made you tiny, and inconsequential, and nothing special.. so that you could fit into this tiny little box.. that would help me get out of bed in the morning.. ...

***

meredith: he had all these friends. they sang and they played guitar. it's almost as if he's a totally different person.
christina: well, he was.
meredith: god, that freaks me. i feel like i don't know him.
christina: i don't know owen. we don't. we don't know them.


..::.grey's anatomy.::..

eyes wide shut.
tears tide dart.
voice cite lark.
hands side duck.

hearts lied sand.
knots tied mend.
lips shy chip.
legs bye tip.

forgot. forgone. far gone.
together. to gather. to get there.

Bones: A surrogate relationship won't necessarily be such a bad thing.. because then, I can avoid the sting of rejection which however fleeting, is still.. uncomfortable. ... All relationships are temporary.
Booth: No. That's not true, Bones.. You're wrong, ok? There is someone for everyone. Someone, you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, alright? ... You just have to be open enough to see it, that's all.

..::.Bones.::..

we forgot how to love like this.

i want to yell it in your face. i want to scream it out so loud, you'd shiver. i want this accusation to stop. because somehow, you always end up playing the victim. that's what you do. you play it all out in front of your audience. oh come on, don't play dumb with me. you crossed over way before i even entered. silly me, thinking we could still salvage it. and now in my silence, you strike me. in the end, i am still back at square zero.

i used to kiss him goodbye
i used to kiss her goodnight
i used to say little prayers
for him, and for her

i used to be brought around
i used to be held by hand
i used to watch the stars
with him, and with her

but today, yes today
he leaves in the quiet dawn
she sleeps in the quiet dusk
and here i say my piece,
with a silent tear that drowns all sorrows.

you hear the many sounds
like echoes of winds it pass
your heart sinks and cries
like fountains with no other choice

you wish the best for a friend
like how you pray it's not the end
you think they might know the pain
like a needle pricking, it's instinct

you lose the ability to feel
anything, anymore
you don't feel the need to go
the distance, just like before

the finishing line.
in sight.
but nowhere near what you want.
it's not what you want.

what is it all about?

what do you want to be when you grow up?

a caped crusader? or a space invader?
what if you're all grown up, and you still don't know what you want to be?
strange dreams in a snorted drunken stupor.
a private banker? or just an empty oil tanker?
what if you woke up and realised, nothing's as it seemed and life's just a dream?
many days chasing colourless rainbows.

my dance can only pirouette so many times.
my novel can only punctuate so many times.
my music can only cadence so many times.
my heart.. can only be broken so many times..

so much hope. yet so much pain.
when all you do is think of "what could have been".
lost of courage and strength to fight.
when, oddly you come back to mind.

step up. and push back.
just waiting..

for you. whoever you may be.

late at night, in the dark
sitting and staring, alone
i start writing something
but nothing comes but tears
"hush now" i hear you say

photographs, we have few
old words, reread and sung
i'm halfway there, halfway gone
but i know not where to turn
"be with you" i know you'd say

sitting on sidewalks
laughing at randomness
i said "fine", you said so too
but we continue with broken smiles
"you never lost me" i hope you'll say

why did we lose each other
memory's a funny thing
i need you, i know so true
but pride kept me, where should i start
"i miss you", can you hear me say

red, yellow or blue
being selfish, go on hate me
i know it's not the same
but i hope we try
what do i know? help me make it right, again.

overwhelmingly feeling lost. everything strange and unfamiliar. high ceilings and joyful laughters. white washed walls without..
where to walk. where to wait.
people saying hi but..
alone and apart.
waltzing through the last of what's left.
everything of inbetweens.
one half. out of four.
she's three and a half.
restricted zone.
out!

some things. you regret doing.
some things. you wish never get found.
some things. you wish just went away.
some things. you wish never changed.

yet darkness comes and takes me away. cloaked in disappointment and bewilderment. dance with me because the legs don't hurt anymore.
silently. i forget what to feel again.

short and repetitive. in praise of a phrase. a single theme.
distinct. dramatic. definitive.
exposed in naked form.
monologues. eulogies. fugues.
my prelude. your nocturne.

in search of meaning. what's left behind. can truths set us free. entrapment within one's lie. have you ever done the right thing.. and still feel guilty about it. strangulation with all subtlety.

walk with me. feel my pulse. hear my breath. close your eyes. stand alone on an empty street. but still.. you would never know what i know. in death. between music. above sunsets. beneath the ground. at seventeen. we laughed at the ocean. race me to the world's end. and i'd live in my pretty dollhouse. and then i remember.

i still.